I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
we're so committed to being not committed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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