Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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