I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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