While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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