my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
