I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
