I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
