I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
