I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
