I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
