I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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