Will you blow on my dice?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
