Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
