right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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