that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
