Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
