I could make wine with my vomit
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
