I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
