You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
