dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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