Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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