i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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