It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
