Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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