Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
