What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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