Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
