Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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