Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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