I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
