2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
