You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
