I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
