if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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