her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
