my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
