My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
