I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
