Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My pussy is not your playground.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He shit in the fireplace
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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