it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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