for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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