I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
