just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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