I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
