Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
