i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
