he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
