Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
