I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
