Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
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I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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