i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
