The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
