I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
