We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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