I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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