I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
