I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
